Letter from Bernard (Jack) Hyde
Elmbridge Remembered
First I think I have to affirm that I thoroughly enjoyed my time at Elmbridge, and would not have given it up for anything.
I think it made me, it certainly gave me an education that could not be gained anywhere else, and I don’t think it
would be possible to create the freedoms and character building methods of Elmbridge whether designed or evolved, for me that
where “magic”, away from family stress and pressures into an atmosphere almost completely devoid of control (provided you could
avoid the prefects) you where a free agent, your only responsibility was to turn up for the lessons and meals on time wearing the
right clothes.
I must have started in the September term because I cannot remember the Holidays, I was probably working, I remember being
dragged to the “Home Stores” in Upminster, and “stuff” was being begrudgingly purchased for me (the cost of which was being
rammed down my throat at every counter), I saw my mother referring to a list, which I did not understand (or was allowed to
look at).
I can vaguely remember going up to London and meeting my father in the city and having to go with him somewhere to meet a man
that was going to get me into a good school, but that seemed years ago and I did not associate this shopping spree with going
to “School” even though I knew that I had left the last school, I thought I was going to the local Secondary Modern School
(do they still exist?), eventually we arrive at the blazer department, the list had mentioned the blazer to be purchased
could only be obtained in another town and my mother made it perfectly clear that she was not going “over there” just for a
blazer, no she would buy me a nice leather jacket, that would wear well and could be passed on to my cousin Victor (I was
growing at an alarming rate) at the time.
The next thing I can recall, I think it was the following Tuesday from the Purchasing Saturday I was on my way in a Taxi to
Ilford to connect with a bus that would take me to my new school, I was absolutely elated (partly by the ten shillings in one
pocket given to me by my mother with the words “make it last” I don’t know when I shall be able to afford another one, and in my
other pocket was fifteen shillings given to me by my Father with the words “don’t tell your mother”), getting out from under the
tyrannical control of a Mother who was “not a little mad” and extremely brutal and cruel was heavenly as nothing could be as bad
as living with her.
I could have been on way to prison and it would not have a happier journey, the only reference to the school by my parents was on
the Sunday evening before I left (although I had no idea at the time I was leaving) my father came into my bedroom and said that he
had bought me a “new leather foot ball”, it was in the shed and not to tell mother, he said “you will need that when you go! “go”
where?, I could tell something was up but all things at the time there where more important things to think about, I was madly in
love with Valerie Martin and her best Friend Vicky Page, I had by now had sight of a copy of Health and Efficiency, I had enough on
my mind without worrying about school.
I arrived at the Ilford rendezvous point and could not believe my eyes thousand of children milling and dashing around coaches, some
of which where girls, I had wrongly assumed that I was going to a bus station, after several attempts to find the right bus , I
settled down near the back of the bus allocated, and slowly realised there where no girls, we then had the long slow drive down to
Guildford and then Cranleigh, I had no idea where any of these places where, I just enjoyed the ride, I was sitting next a boy called
Conrad Andersen (or son) who regaled me with the wonders of Middlesbrough, (why would I remember that after fifty five years?).
We arrived at the school and remember thinking “we are going to live in wooden sheds” as that was all I saw, I was directed to Abbey
House and told I was in Scot House and I thought this is going to be mental Torture, somebody then explained to me the differences
between the Dormitory and the Houses, I was given top bunk with a boy called Chris W***.
Over my life I have endured many uncomfortable billets from Arab prison to Grotty “pensions” in Peru, I have endured the odd skirmish
in civil wars but I have never suffered as I did those first days and night in Elmbridge.
My bed mate who was on the bottom bunk would periodically kick me violently from below, almost pitching me out of bed, I was being
threatened and intimidated, and generally terrorised, in the end I went and knocked on the door of “Loopy Lloyd” and told him what
was happening, I was told to go away and stop being silly, the whole dorm then started to call me a “squealer” of course I had no
idea what this meant, the ultimate came when I went for a pee in the “bog” in the middle of the dormitory, when I got back he had
taken all the springs out of the bed and pissed in it, everybody thought that that was hilarious, I thought I have left one house
of torture only to find myself in another.
The following morning we gathered in the hall for a lecture (From “Goon” )on what and what not to do, and of course like all new boys
I had no idea what he was talking about, but I remember I was allocated I think form “2a or 2b, it was next to Nipper Jackson’s room
at the furthest point from the centre of school, I remember Garth Allmand sat next to me on my right and Gearts (great swimmer) on
my left, Victor barker was also in their somewhere and the Dreaded Chris “W”, every time he came near me he either punched me or
kicked me but the bullying went on for quite a while.
I started to get to know more people and avoid those I did not like, and learned to keep out of sight of prefects and Masters and had a
generally good time until that is the “Cross Country run” was mentioned there were tales of three miles no four miles then there was
the middle triangle that was twelve miles and of coursed the “Big Triangle” nobody knew how long that was, this was somebody who had
refused to run for a bus, I can remember we set off down the drive, by the time I got to the bottom, their was nobody in site and I did
not know which way to turn, I ran back up the drive and asked (I think it was Lisper) where had every body gone? He docked me two house
marks (house marks? what the hell was a house mark?) and sent me off down the drive and told to turn left and catch up with the other or else.
Well I ran and ran and of course every body else was now running in the opposite direction, I was completely fooled, so I started to ask “any
more to come) and of course one oaf said “no” he was the last so I turned around after him and jogged back only to find that there where
twenty or more behind me, fortunately though Lisper did not notice me.
It was then off to the showers and back to the Form, in the showers Chris W started on me again, and to tell the truth I was terrified of
him, I went back to the Form (did we call them Form’s ?), we where waiting for the master to come and Chris W. Started again, I saw red
(I had never ever lost my temper before) I hit him so hard he fell backwards out of the form into the corridor between Jackson room and
a store room he then started to hit me back, by this time a crowd had gathered around and they where cheering Chris on, this made me even
madder, I hit him so many times that he grabbed my hand and tried to bite it off (I still have the scars), we where rolling around on the
floor on the back porch when I realised everybody had disappeared, I was still hitting him as hard as I could and he was still biting me,
when a voice said “keep it up Hyde you are doing a good job” , it was Nipper Jackson, at that Chris W gave up and I never had any trouble
from him again, in fact I think he was taken out of the school, At The School reunion last year (2006) I was told “of course you knew he
was mad didn’t you?, no I bloody did not, but it would appear that everybody else was terrified of him as well.
The football was a brand new leather ball with bladder and a leather lace to tie it up and elastic band to tie of the bladder, I inflated it
to the agreed correct pressure laced it correctly and wrote my name and house on it in clear black Indian marker ink, I went off with a few
of the lads and played football when I returned we put it into the drying room, I NEVER SET EYES ON THAT BALL AGAIN UNTIL I WAS BOARDING
THE BUS FOR THE LAST TIME. Somebody said there’s a football with your name on it in the junior drying room.
I went over to the drying room walking right across the middle of the “sacred lawn” (without thinking), I looked up at Goon’s balcony and
saw that he was glaring at me, he said nothing so I carried on, went to the drying room, and sure enough there was my football with my name
clearly visible, I picked it up and went back, again walking across the sacred lawn when Goon yelled at me, “Hyde what on earth do you think
you are doing.”, again I was not thinking I said, my football was stolen in the first week of my arriving here four years ago and today
my last day it turned up, why? He looked at me in despair, I left the football on the bus in Ilford. I soon learned about house marks
and that you had to take the “clip board” to the relevant Master to add or deduct the marks, I think at the first assembly where the marks
where read out Scot was last and all my fault. But boy could you work the system, the easiest teacher to “Kid” was the strictest,
I was dared by (Cadburys) Allen (Can’t say Chocolate any more) to get more points out of him than he
had given I did and it worked, but I did not try it very often, other masters where much easier Loopy Lloyd Lisper, and an English teacher
very dark hair black glasses very dour, by my second year I realised he had not got a clue, but he gave out the right impression but was
good for house marks, on a Thursday there was always a panic if you had minus points so you pulled every trick in the book to even up the
tally or get in “credit” otherwise you could get bawled out in assembly by Goon.
Bert Blowers (I liked and got on with him the best) I think was my favourite master, he was strict but you always knew where you where with
him, and he would let you manipulate him to some extent.I remember he used to march us all over the place “stand easy” “at Ease” “Right Wheel”
“left Wheel” , “Quick March” Marching on the spot”, it was at the time of the great Flue epidemic, the class was much depleted, and we were
marched down to the Craft Room, all the usual tricks where tried but we where perfect, and of course the usual comment was made by Blowers
standing on the top step of the craft room (addressing his men) when he said, as he always did “Well if it was not for “Allen” (Cadburys)
there, you would have definitely got the Oscar”, now nobody had ever got the Oscar so nobody knew what it was, when Allmand chirped up “what
would the Oscar have been this week Sir” Blowers replied well I suppose tea at the Singing Kettle and a visit to the Cinema, with that
Somebody else spoke up, oh good Sir when shall we go? Shall we change? Blowers looked perplexed “what do you mean when can you go”? Allmand
then chirped up “Allen isn’t with us Sir”! We did not get the Oscar, but I think he was generous with the House marks that day, and he told
me years later and before departed for the Antipodes that he had gone to see Goon (he did not say Goon) but he had refused as we may have
contaminated half of Surrey.
I remember coming back off summer holiday and our first visit to the Craft room, their just inside the door and hanging from the ceiling was Mrs Blowers Bicycle, every body was bemused by this, when enquiries where made it was said “Mrs Blowers cannot ride the bicycle any more, no more was thought about it, until a few months later we where informed that Mrs Blowers had given birth to a little girl (cant remember her name now), this would mean absolutely nothing to any of us until the following year we returned from summer holiday and there hanging from the roof was Mrs Blowers bicycle, Allen chirped up, “are congratulations in order sir” Blowers did his “glare” eyed us all quickly one by one then said what do you mean Allen, Allen said well I thought given the circumstances you might be expecting he interrupted “expecting what Allen”, we all then turned to look at the bicycle, he laughed and said “it only went up yesterday” nobody else noticed except you lot.I also remembered that Blowers could silence the dining room by just raising his eyes and glaring into the middle distance, the hall would turn silence within seconds.
He did me no harm. I can remember on one occasion he had had all the lockers searched and cigarettes had been found, We where all summoned to an extraordinary Assembly, he ranted a raved at the whole school, then asked every body who smoked “in school” to stand up, I was surprised because some juniors stood up and not a few Prefects, who Goon immediately told to sit down, the whole school had to march out in front of all the staff, and floggings were began, a few days later Goon stopped me and said “Hyde you smoke don’t you?” I said I have tried it Sir, he said why then did you not stand up with the rest of the school, I said because Sir you said “All those who smoked “in school” I said I have never ever smoked in school, he went livid and made some sarcastic remark about me becoming a lawyer, Now on the way to the village and the canal bank yes but never in school, I do no know what he would have done had he known that I was supplying three or four members of the staff and Major Phipps with American Cigarettes from Dunsfold airbase (more about that later).
One thing about Goon was that he loved to teach us the bible and in particular the Epistles according to Saint Paul I think the whole time I was at Elmbridge all we ever learned was the Journey’s of St Paul, because you could get him off on a tangent as easy as anything, somebody only had to make reference to current day ,matters and something in the epistle and he was “Off”, get him on the second world war and we where in heaven.
In the second year I was there the matron had put the wrong ointment in my eyes which sent me almost blind, I had some vision and it was improving very slowly in fact as my eyes got better the “improvement got slower, any way the point was I could not do lessons so I became a free agent as long as I turned up for meals and assembly nobody gave a toss and I was “off” I got permission to go along the canal to Mill Farm and try and help there (I was very much into the Young Farmers), there I learned to drive a tractor milk the cows and fall in love with all of his daughters, I can’t remember how many he had but they where all gorgeous, so gorgeous that I cannot remember any of their names. The farmer used to drive the tractor and strum (what looked like to me) a cello, it was bloody enormous.
The only lesson I leaned from Fred Patman was the process of Photosynthesis, I had no idea what it was then and I still do not know to this day, even having studied Coleoptiles since then, the problem in those days that you sat down in front a master he started to teach you without any preface about what the lesson was for, for most people there it must have dawned them at some time, but to me it was an anathema.
He used to like to use the “Red Devil” (a plimsoll) on your backside given the opportunity, I cant remember getting it but I sure as hell got close a few times, he was another one you could pull the old House mark routine on, “Sir, you have only put down one mark, it should be three plus and one minus, the minus from last week which I forgot to bring to you. He would invariably we shall look at you and say we shall leave it two, and smile.
I can remember coming back from Mill Farm one Sunday afternoon, when I noticed somebody laying in the field behind the cricket pavilion, I stopped looked and stared and then realised that it was one of the masters and one of the girls from Nanhurst Nursery “In flagrante Delecto” is the modern term I think, I rushed around to the Cricket match, we where batting, and told somebody what I thought was going on, and so obviously there was a slow disappearance of everybody behind the cricket pavilion from the pitch of every body not immediately required for the match, I was told (I think by Walford) that it was Fred Patman and when he sat up he got a big round of applause.
The last time I saw Fred Patman was at Christchurch my wife and I had gone down to visit friends at Mudiford, and had gone into Christchurch for something walking along I realised there was some kind of religious procession going by, I stopped and was waiting for it to pass when I spotted Fred Patman in long surplus and gown and a “Ruff” for a collar, I could not believe my eyes and burst out laughing, I did a double take and then he smiled at me and mouthed something, but he was smiling, I beetled off home forgetting to try and find him, I have tried many times since without any luck.
He taught us country and western songs (something about little doggies, but they weren’t dogs), and he would have us roaring away with hymns, we had rehearsed some modern hymn which was very tuneful (and obviously the rest of the school had been rehearsed in it) Tom Gamble started the intro we all started and nearly took the roof off, you could see that Goon was not happy, I canrt remember how long he lasted but it was not long.
He was extremely strong and very clever, teacher at PE, as I said earlier you turned up they turned and never said what we where doing or why, he used have us doing stuff over the vaulting horse then doing head/hand stands and falling over backwards, and this all would lead to us being able to perform “back flips (summersaults)” , had we been told what this was all leading to I am sure we would have got there much sooner and with more enthusiasm. After the first or second term or so I started to run with more effort and concentration (I learned the quicker you got round the quicker you could bugger off), then one day I thought I would try and keep up with Lisper, it was the short triangle, and it nearly killed me, but I got house points.
Apart from the athletics he used to take us for sport, discus, javelin and shot-put, sprint running ecetra. I was no good at the running least of all sprinting so I used to go and hide behind the pile of discus, javelins and heavy iron balls, Lisper would come over and with his tongue sticking (even when writing on the board he would have his tongue out) out show us how to throw the discus , Javelin and the Shot, I quite enjoyed it, there where many better at it than me, although the Javelin would fly for me on occasions.
One of the problems at Elmbridge was that if you had not represented the school at something then you where failure and Goon never ceased to remind those of us that had not done so.
And so when I was picked to go the Guildford and compete against other schools I was in heaven, we all went in busses and arrived at the venue which if I remember was in some kind of quarry, we checked where we had to go, I did the Shot then the discus and then the javelin and then off to the Carona Café (still there but much reduced) in the high street, on the way out we met a couple of girls one was called Deanna (probably an affectation of Diana), any way we started to go back to the venue when I heard my name being called out of the Tannoy system, I ran as fast as I could because I thought the bus was leaving got to Lisper and he said where have you been, watching the Athletics Sir, we have been calling you for more than an hour, you have to go again, now get over there, I went and had to do the discuss and the Javelin, five minute later we where on the bus.
Nobody was more shocked than I that I had won discuss and Javelin, I said to Lisper as least I have done something for the school now, and he said “you just don’t think do you Hyde”. I could not understand, he said you are not fourteen yet so you are in the juniors but your are fourteen stone and nearly six foot and twice the size of any of your competitors, I still did not care I had won.
Four weeks later we where off to Motspur Park I think near Wimbledon for the all England schools or some such, where the competition was more fairly arranged and there where blokes bigger than me , but I till won the discuss and the Javelin, the Javelin throw not being beaten for many many years after, I think it was 280ft I am not sure any more.
He used to do things like boxing which I hated and things he was involved with Goodwin with the Puppet show, but generally he was a good guy and nice to know.
One night it was summer time, I had to go for a pee, I refused to go to the swamp in the middle of the dorm so I slipped over to the ablution block, I had a pee and could hear quit a commotion in the parade ground behind the block, I crept around to have a look and there was Divinity Hird and Loop Lloyd (I think it was Loopy) all as high as kites chasing Docs new car (A Hillman California?) a Coupe, one was jumping in and then jumping out a right load of fun, I was tight to the wall when I realised somebody was behind me it was Smudger Smith, back to bed now Hyde, I was off, when I woke in the morning it was Smudge’s turn for the inspection, as he came along he said very good Hyde, I wondered what the hell it was all about then later I learned that others had heard the commotion, so I was able to give chapter and verse.
When I worked up at Mill farm I sometimes went out with the farmer and his tractor and trailer to pick up or deliver stuff to other farms, it was a Saturday and he without thinking pulled into the Leathern Bottle Pub, he said “come on in” I said no I was under age, he said they will never know and what’s more they won’t care, I walked in and he bought me a lemonade, when a voice said put that down Hyde, I turned round and it was Divinity, he said get back to school immediately, I shall report this to the Headmaster. The farmer said “he is with me” Divinity, said something to the effect that he had no right to take me into the pub.
I ran all the way, and waited for the call, it never came, I went back to the farm the following week and told the farmer, he said the landlord had had a word with him about his after hours drinking and drunkenness along with other masters from the school and nurses from Nanhurst Nursery, that was my first lesson in “its not what you know its who you know”
UNDER CONSTRUCTION
2007-06-12
Bert Blowers
Masters
H.E.A.Day (head master)
“Goon” for short, there where a great deal of war books with daring do, and escapes from prisoner of war camps and the “Goons” hence his nickname, I did not get on with him very well, I did not dislike him but he obviously disliked me, and me I did not give a toss, years later I was told that he thought I was Jewish (my adopted Parents where ex Jews), not that he was anti Semitic, but he thought “strings had been pulled” to get me into the school, I have no idea whether this was so or not, My father was a middling Civil Servant, so who knows?
Fred Patman
He was the one that christened me Jekyll, he took us for biology and he just said it, it was the first words he spoke to me, I had to go to the library to find out who this bloody Jekyll was, Jekyll was used derisory and then shortened to Jek and eventually to Jack, my Christian name being forgotten by everybody except my mother.
Nipper Jackson
I cannot remember what Nipper taught, although I did join his camera club for the first term, the only thing that I noticed about Nipper was and it wasn’t until the last terms of my stay was that he would always turn up at shower time to discuss something with whoever was in charge of the showers, there used to be a hip bath next to the shower room, and sometime you could get in that, I was in it one evening Nipper came in and was talking to Smugger Smith when I noticed that he held a camera in the crook of his hand, and it was pointing into the shower room, it took a long while for it to sink in but whenever he came to the shower room after I always turned my back, I learned later at the first school reunion that his picture collection had been found and that a lot of it had to be destroyed either that or we are all staring on some paedophile site.
Goodwin
He was the art and music master, he was not much older than us and detested by Goon, He wrote a new school anthem, then Goon dug up the original which resulted in them promptly being forgotten, we did the Christmas decorations for the dining hall which consisted of everybody in the school painting fish, the hall was decorated in nothing but fish.
Lisper Deane
He was a nice guy but he did tend to splutter a lot when talking, he was left handed and for some reason wanted to write on the board from the wrong side (for a left hander) so he had this weird way of having his hand over his head and writing away from himself, so he was constantly reaching out, he was absolute dead shot with the board rubber (a wooden block that some years before had had felt on it, now it was kept as a missile) Lisper never missed.
Mr Taylor
He was mathematics, and a brilliant teacher, he got through my thick head something nobody else had done, one of the problems was mental arithmetic, I and many others could not get our heads around it, (You may remember there used to be a dart board in the Sewing room(sometimes called the quiet room) I was down there and some the boys where playing darts Allan was doing the scoring and he was like lightning, Taylor walked in and said I thought you could not count, there was a lot of numbers on the score board descending from 301, Taylor said Oh I see not, you have made a mistake, Allan went through the No.s like lightning, and said no Sir they are right, Taylor said I never want to hear you say you cant do mental arithmetic again, from now on all your problems are “Dart Scoring”, he then found out what our various interest where and related them to calculation, including the metric system.
Divinity Doc Anders
He was a strange cove, he Took us for English, I do not think he did divinity with us, all I can remember about him was that he always used an Italianate script when marking papers and always in red ink (very pontifical) .